*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.
*Written in 2014.
You may be reading the title of this post and be thinking, is he serious? Yes, I am pretty damned serious here. So why the hate for larger sunglasses? Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.
To start, this is for the ladies. I don’t care so much if a dude is wearing large sunglasses. If he is, I have to wonder about his overall masculinity but I’m not in the business of wanting to shag dudes, so I don’t really care if he wants to look like an idiot. He can keep his large sunglasses and skinny jeans in the corner with his other dude bros trying to out-sex each other while preying on 17 year-olds at Spring Break.
Moving on, let’s talk about your big sunglasses, ladies.
For one thing, they are too fucking big and cover up like 75 percent of your face. I don’t know how this is considered attractive and sexy and how this became the norm. I get it though, they block out more sun. Well, that’s the excuse anyway. The fact that they cover your entire face and are a gigantic billboard for whatever name brand shades you have an affinity for is probably a big part of your attraction to looking like some bug-eyed sex goblin whether at the beach or driving to Zoom Tan. For the record, if you’re not picking up on what I’m saying here, that shit’s not attractive.
No one really cares about what name brand sunglasses you’re wearing. Well, that is except for the other girls who are also wearing fuchsia-colored World War I motorcycle goggles. Stop competing with each other for who has the best glasses, it is childish and lame. Be more of a hardcore bitch because a hardcore bitch wouldn’t give a shit. For example, a lame childish chick would say something like, “Oh hey girly, you didn’t say anything, so I am assuming you didn’t notice these 50 lb. Leche Bananas that are covering my entire face!” The hardcore bitch would then respond with something like, “Who the fuck are you? Why are you wearing a motorcycle helmet? Fuck off.”
Additionally, another point that has to be made about these monstrosities is that you aren’t going to attract a proper mate with these alien face-huggers stuck to your face. For instance, I once had a girl come up to me who said it was great hanging out with me the previous day at some bar on the beach. I was like, “Yeah, who the fuck are you?” And then she told me and it clicked! “Oh yeah, I didn’t recognize you because your entire face was covered by sunglasses yesterday!” Then I remembered that the entire time I was talking to the girl on the previous day, that I couldn’t determine if she was attractive because I couldn’t see anything other than her little nose and tiny mouth. And this isn’t a one-off incident, it happens a lot. Half the time, I think the chicks are attempting to hide some gnarly scar or something.
I’m not trying to sound like a superficial douchebag here but the fact of the matter is, when you’re vibing with another human being and there just might be a bit of a spark, you’d like to see their face, right? I can’t tell you how many girls have ruined their game with me because I couldn’t see their face. The face tells a lot, the face is beautiful, don’t be afraid to show it off. Talking to a girl with giant fucking sunglasses is like talking to a priest behind a confessional screen. It’s just so impersonal and awkward.
When it comes to the excuse of wearing giant sunglasses because they block out more of the sun, I’m calling bullshit. For starters, I never wear sunglasses because I hate things on my face. That being said, I live in Southwest Florida where the sun is mighty intense and I am also prone to migraines. I still never wear sunglasses and I do just fine. Now when I have worn them for whatever odd reason, normal-fitting decent sized sunglasses did the job and kept the sun out of my eyes. Sunglasses aren’t hard to understand and use. When used correctly, decent sized ones work. You chicks mean to tell me that you can use a hundred different video effects apps to produce wicked Vines all day but you can’t figure out how to wear a proper pair of sunglasses?
I think I’ve made my point and there isn’t much else I really need to add. What we’ve got here is just another case of chicks being ridiculous because they’re too concerned with what other chicks think and ultimately are pushing away men who are of a better stock than the mickey-slipping beaus they usually shack up with.