Retro Relapse: Everyone’s A Fucking Guru

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

Every morning while sitting on the toilet, I open up my Facebook to peruse my news feed. I used to enjoy finding good articles and interesting pictures that kept me entertained enough over the course of my morning pooh. Those days are long gone. So then I open up Instagram. Sure, there are some cool pictures but they are lightly sprinkled in amongst the sea of bullshit. The same sea of bullshit that has taken over my Facebook news feed. Twitter? Fuck Twitter. Snapchat? Sounds like a sexually transmitted disease.

So what is this sea of bullshit?

Well, it is the overabundance of motivational nonsense that I can’t avoid. It’s the fucking memes, the fucking quotes, the fucking song lyrics, the fucking poetry and the cute fucking pictures of cute fucking shit that is supposed to help me close the deal, get a raise, buy a mansion, piss out a yacht, bitch slap the gym, grow kale from my face, drink plant piss, hug a hobo, high-five a cancer patient, wrestle a sloth off of a stop sign and be satisfied with my dick size (I am, mostly… but c’mon, what guy doesn’t want a bigger dick?).

I’m sure this piece here will have some of these perfect peaches on my friends list delete me. Good, please just fucking do it. I actually might not even remember a lot of you, as I’ve hidden a bunch of chronic offenders from my news feed and frankly, I’m too lazy to find the page where I can hit “delete” on your face.

But seriously, when did the Internet get so fucking lame? When did every Tom, Dick and Joan decide that they were some sort of life guru for the world? I’m sorry, but I don’t think any of you are Richard Branson. If Richard Branson was dropping advice on me daily, I’d probably actually mull it over and not yell from my toilet seat, “Jesus fuck! Not more of this goddamned shit!”

And to be fair, it isn’t just this garbage that pisses me off. Mix in the stream of social gurus with the pseudoscience retardation, identity politics whiners and crazed Trump supporters and that’s enough to make a sane man go banana sandwich on some simple motherfuckers.

But it’s the guru shit that seems to irk me the most just because there is so much of it and the ratio of guru bullshit versus everything else is pretty monstrous. And it keeps spreading and getting bigger. Everyone on social media thinks it’s their daily fucking duty to plaster every possible data stream with generic mundane lazy Hallmark fuckery.

Are you perfect?

No, no one is fucking perfect. So, I’ll give you a pass there.

But do you have your shit completely together and actually exist in a place where you know some next level shit and can pick up your friends and give them true intellectual enlightenment? No?

Just because you’ve made it to the gym for the third day in a row or because you broke up with Russell for the eighth time doesn’t give you any special powers or insight. It doesn’t entitle you to plaster my feed with your cookie cutter third grade insight to achieve personal nirvana. And yes, I can kick you off my feed and I have but this nonsense has gotten completely unavoidable. Everyone is guilty of it to some degree. I’m sure I’ve posted some garbage in a drunken emotional state of weakness.

The problem, and the reason I call it “nonsense” is because 90 percent of the shit I see and read is fucking nonsense. It’s awful nonsense. It’s the kind of nonsense that doesn’t make any sense when you actually think about what it is saying. And most of the time, this shit is taken and represented out of its original context. And the problem, is that human beings just see this shit and repost it like it’s fucking gospel. People no longer think for themselves, social media has made it so that we can share some bullshit thought by some bullshit artist and then feel some sense of accomplishment because we’re doing our daily duty of saving the world – one fucktastic nonsensical woo woo meme and quote at a time.

But now it is my turn! Now I will be your guru! I mean, if you can be my guru, why can’t I be yours? That’s only fair, right?

So here we go!

-Step 1: Get off your fucking high horse, Deepak Chopra Jr.

-Step 2: Stop sharing bullshit.

-Step 3: Understand what you’re actually expressing or if it’s just bullshit. It is probably just bullshit.

-Step 4: Use you time better.

-Step 5: Actually handle your business and once you do something worthwhile that actually makes a difference in the world, then maybe share something.

I get it though. There is something about the “power of positivity”. The “Law of Attraction” a.k.a. “The Secret” is a big ball of horse shit but positive thinking and application does actually achieve some positive results. Well, not all the time but a positive mindset is more productive than a negative one. But that’s common sense, right?

If you want to help people, then help people. You daily meme pushers aren’t any better than the slacktivists out there that think that just because they share a Kony 2012 video that they helped save Africa. You’re fucking lazy; the Internet has made laziness too easy. I’m guilty of it too.

But c’mon, you can’t save the world and have a meaningful positive impact on multiple people just by clicking “share”. Well, at least not as much as you could have if you got off of your ass and did something. If you do care and you want to spread a positive message, make the effort.

Do I have all my shit together? No, absolutely not. But I understand that. I also understand that it is damned hard to find someone who has all their shit together. Life is a work in progress and it will be that way until we die. But should we encourage each other? Of course. But do that shit in person with your real world friends. All this positive clutter is just clutter. It all loses any impact it could have when there is a constant stream of it.

Our social lives are ruled by the need to find validation through “likes” and “shares”, mostly by strangers. And that seems to be strange and not really a positive thing, which makes this whole bullshit pretty counterproductive.

The truth is, I am probably just going to leave social media altogether, except for Instagram, as I don’t have to interact with anyone or at least feel obligated to. I know who my real friends are and I spend time with them in the physical world. I don’t need to talk to them online, we see each other in person. And we positively support each other in person.

But maybe people have just forgotten how to have organic relationships with human beings in the flesh. In the real world, it isn’t as easy to create and hide behind your ideal persona. But with real people, you can talk about your shit and not project your insecurities and issues through memes, Marilyn Monroe quotes and Taylor Swift lyrics.

I know I can be an asshole. I also know that I am a good person and that I have a truly positive impact on those I love and care about. I don’t need a bunch of strangers to validate my half-assed attempts at trying to be a beacon of light and hope lost in a sea full of other beacons competing for endless and meaningless mouse clicks.

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