Retro Relapse: Corned Beef Hash: A Swashbuckler’s Protein Shake

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Corned beef hash is pretty fucking awesome! Apart from waffles it is the swashbuckler’s breakfast of choice. I’d put country fried steak and eggs with a side of biscuits and gravy right up there with it too but corned beef hash is more beneficial simply because it is easier to prepare and more convenient to the swashbuckler on the go.

The best feature that corned beef hash has, is that you can get it in a can. Pop that bitch open with your blade and dig in! There is no need to cook it, although warm corned beef hash is quite superior to cold straight-from-the-can corned beef hash. The amazing thing about cans is that you can easily bring them with you. Corned beef hash in cans is like pirate rations or MREs for swashbucklers.

It is also a much better source of protein than waffles, simply because corned beef is meat. Waffles are not meat so they barely have any protein. If you didn’t know, protein is pretty fucking awesome! So who needs a fancy protein shake or an effeminate protein smoothie when you can guzzle a man sized can of corned beef hash and be on with your day?

Another benefit of canned corned beef hash is that it lasts forever! You can buy a can, leave it on a shelf for a few decades, pop it open and it is still fresh! Now that’s convenience! One time I nearly had my arm taken off by a Kraken but all the monster got was the unopened can of corned beef hash I was ready to devour. Well, a few years later, I hunted down and slayed the mighty Kraken and my can of corned beef hash was still inside it’s gut! I ripped that squidish fucker open with my dagger and reclaimed my can of gloriousness. It tasted just as good as it would’ve the day I originally planned to eat it. This shit has to be made of magic.

Now there are several styles of hash out there but there is only one corned beef hash. Okay, well it can be prepared many different ways but the best kind is the one that has the consistency of dog food. That may be a gross comparison to some but if you’re turned off by it that just means that you’re a pussy and you should go eat a fruit cocktail for breakfast and leave the manly food for the men.

I like mine slightly warm with a bit of crunchiness to it.

So if you want a breakfast of champions, kick your Wheaties in the ass and go grab a can of this awesome meat and potato filled treat.

Now here are a few variations I like when I have time.

The first is to dump some corned beef hash over some biscuits and then top it with sausage gravy. I call this the Bantamweight Champion.

The second is to dump some corned beef hash over some biscuits over a country fried steak and then top it with sausage gravy, 2 eggs and cheese. I call this one the Middleweight Champion.

The final version is to dump some corned beef hash over some biscuits over a country fried steak and then top that with 2 eggs, cheese, bacon, sausage patties, sausage links, grits and then sausage gravy. I call this the Super Heavyweight Champion.

And those are my three half assed recipes. Now go grab a can of hash and pillage something!

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