Retro Relapse: Girls & Marilyn Monroe Quotes

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

One thing about social media, is that some person will post some asinine bullshit and then just about everyone else will repost and share that shit without really thinking about it. Something I’ve seen floating around the Internet a lot is this Marilyn Monroe quote:

..if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

Bitch, please.

If you are a dude crushing on a chick that posts this to her Facebook wall or her Twitter feed, you better move on. At its core it basically says, “Yeah, I’m going to be a total unreasonable bitch and if you don’t put up with my selfish crap, no pussy for you!”

How would these same chicks respond if some guy posted to his Facebook wall, “I’m a complete alpha bastard, selfish asshole and pretty much a man whore, if you can’t deal with it, find some weak punk bitch to knock you up.”

I’m sorry, honey. If you’re going to have that philosophy throughout your life, you’re going to be a lonely bitch. Sure, if you look good, you may attract a few potential suitors but ultimately, they’ll go away after being exposed to your bullshit and drama. You may also get a full-time lapdog but once the boy toy novelty wears off, what then?

I get it though, Marilyn Monroe was glamorous and legendary. By trying to live vicariously through her ridiculous words you are imagining yourself to be glamorous and legendary but the fact of the matter is, you aren’t. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news but you’re simply typical. With every other girl out there posting this shit to their walls and feeds, it is neither unique, edgy or cool. It goes back to what I wrote about in The Princess Syndrome, if you are all doing the exact same thing, who is the princess? Which one of you is the unique flower in a field of grass? The short answer: none of you.

Also, posting this type of shit is a deterrent to men, at least ones with a brain in their head.

Here’s the thing, as I stated, Marilyn Monroe was glamorous and legendary. She was also a drug-addicted booze hound that fucked a married man, the president of the United States. She also wasn’t a stupendous actress. So really, why do women idolize this mess so much?

The answer to that has to do with the fact that beauty, glamour and fame are apparently more important than the content of someone’s character.

Marilyn Monroe was also a hypocrite with just about everything she said.

She would parade herself around as an independent woman that didn’t need a man. She bragged about making a life of her own, on her own, yet she was unfaithfully married several times. Her first marriage, was due to the fact that her foster parents could no longer support her. She also forced one of her husbands to impregnate her before he was shipped off to war. Additionally, she had an affair with actor Tony Curtis, who she starred with in Some Like It Hot. She got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage.

I’m not even going to cover her long string of adulterous behavior but if the Internet and personal video cameras existed in her day, I’m sure there would’ve been a leaked sex tape or several.

As far as body image, girls are always posting Marilyn quotes about being proud to be curvy and all that jazz. Marilyn Monroe was full of shit. At her absolute heaviest, Marilyn Monroe was 130 lbs. She was a small petite woman being 5′ 5″ and having a 22 inch waist. For her size, she had nice hips (I prefer bigger, actually) but by today’s unit of measurement, she would have been a size 0.

This brings me to something else, a quote that is credited to Marilyn Monroe but is complete bullshit:

To all the girls who think you’re ugly because you’re not a size 0, you’re the beautiful one. It’s society that’s ugly.

Yes, this is a positive quote but it is bullshit because Marilyn Monroe died in 1962. A size 0 wasn’t even a thing until 1966 when it was used to describe the hot new supermodel Twiggy. So how exactly did Marilyn say this when ghosts aren’t real and time machines don’t exist?

Girls who aren’t a size 0 constantly refer to Marilyn as a hero because she wasn’t a “rail” and had a “healthy” body unlike the supermodels of today. The truth is, Marilyn Monroe’s measurements were 35-22-35. The average model of today is 34-22-34. Yeah, Marilyn was totally a fuller woman. Have any of these girls who worship Marilyn on body image issues ever seen a picture of her? She was skinny as a rail, despite their belief.

The point to all this is, know who your heroes are. Don’t just mindlessly repost crap because it sounds empowering. Marilyn’s words aren’t empowering when you see them within the context of who she actually was and most of the time, her words were those of a self-obsessed maniac. Parading around like an egotistical bitch is a sure way to not have a happy and meaningful life. Besides that, Marilyn wasn’t a hero. She was a substance abusing mess that used her vagina as a tool for selfish pursuits and a source of continued fame. Yes, she was attractive but she was also a manipulator and a pretty immoral person with shit for character. She was her era’s Kim Kardashian but worse.

Shit, that just gave me a horrible thought. Are girls 50-60 years from now going to be filling up their social media profiles with Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton quotes? The horror.

Please, stop deifying assholes.

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