Retro Relapse: The Story of Texas Toast

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Texas Toast is the greatest version of toast that mankind has ever invented. It was created by invading swashbucklers in the Texas territory who only had giant loaves of bread, butter and garlic at their disposal. These swashbucklers spent a lot of time munching on Texas Toast while fighting off Aztecs, Predators and American lawmen. It was their only form of sustenance in that region at that time. After swashbucklers virtually became extinct due to the industrial revolution and chronic allergies to oil, the Texans took credit and named the swashbucklers’ unnamed delicacy, Texas Toast.

Texas Toast is what helped the minimal Texan forces fight off the Aztecs at the Alamo. In fact, Texas Toast is the real reason behind the Battle of the Alamo. It is also what gave Texans big hairy balls and the gumption to wear massive hats and wrestle horses. Without Texas Toast, Texas may have been more like Oklahoma. Nobody wants more Oklahoma. Texas also got it’s massive size from the sole power of Texas Toast forcing the lines on the map to expand from it’s awesome force. This power has also been known to expel demons and poltergeists from Texas. Texan priests often use it to fight evil and it is given as the flesh of Christ in Texas churches.

Now Texas Toast is not just a local Texan treat. It can be enjoyed by people all over the world. Pepperidge Farm even makes a version that anyone can buy in a store for a pretty cheap price. Although quite fantastic, the Pepperidge Farm version isn’t anywhere near the iconic level of true Texas Toast.

Now Texas Toast is often served with dinner or even lunch, most of the time in BBQ restaurants. That’s great and all but I think that it also goes great with breakfast. Texas Toast dipped in the embryonic fluid of chickens, commonly referred to as egg yolk, is delicious! It goes awesomely with corned beef hash or as the bottom layer of eggs benedict. I love it with country fried steak too. Can you even imagine French Toast made with Texas Toast?! It’s awesome for breakfast sandwiches or any sandwiches for that matter. I wish subs were made with sub roll shaped pieces of Texas Toast. I may have to invent that but I encourage anyone reading this to beat me to it, as I have horrible follow through with fantastic ideas and inventions. Just make me one and we’ll call it even.

I don’t think I really need to keep selling you on the greatest form of toast in the world. If you haven’t had it, you have wasted your entire life up until now. You owe it to yourself to express your freedom and your awesomeness with a piece or twelve of Texas Toast, daily!