Retro Relapse: Waffle House: America’s Greatest Institution

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Waffle House is the greatest restaurant in the history of the world! Now some of you pansies may be scoffing at that statement but it is only because you don’t know how to properly party, get trashed and cut your budding hangover off with an All-Star Breakfast. Now I’m not advocating drinking and driving, you better make sure that you have a designated driver who will take you to one of these awesome yellow buildings wedged between your closest Interstate highway and Texaco filling station.

Enough with the introduction; now let me elaborate on my opening statement.

Waffle House is an American institution. It has been a part of this wonderful country since 1955 when the first location opened up in Avondale Estates, Georgia (a state I can never avoid getting a ticket in). If it were opened around the time of the American Revolution, you can sure bet that the Founding Fathers would’ve eaten there regularly. No modern president has probably been in one because most of them have been pussies; I’ll leave it open for you to decide which of the few weren’t.

Ever since I was a young man, I have frequented Waffle Houses all over the southeastern part of the United States. They have provided two really awesome things in my life.

The first thing that they gave me was a quick and tasty meal while traveling long hours to and fro.

The second thing was weird random encounters with strangers in the night, which almost felt like characters that were going to give me some sort of side mission to sway me from the main quest I was on. If anything, it added quality hours to the gameplay of life.

However, the greatest thing of all is that they serve the world’s best waffles. I don’t care what your argument may be; NO ONE can give you a better waffle. Waffles were around long before this illustrious organization. Although, once Waffle House came on the scene, muthafuckas had to step their game up! Now you can argue that your mom makes sweet ass waffles or that you had some insane Belgium waffle in Belgium that my homies from Georgia couldn’t touch, but all that means is that you’re either a mama’s boy or someone who wouldn’t even go into a Waffle House. Either way, you’re a bitch.

My boy Greg and I have probably been through Waffle House hundreds of times since the start of our heterosexual partnership, and every time we roll through, we feel more powerful, like Hal Jordan after he charges his ring. He and I practically lived off of Waffle House for three to four months in the early parts of 2003. We were on a budget and we recognized greatness. Our experience there was so memorable, that it created a certain feeling of nostalgia just talking about those days at Waffle House. Fortunately for us, Waffle House is still there, unchanged, offering us the opportunity to step into the past.

Waffle House is a fucking time machine!

Now earlier, I mentioned the All-Star Breakfast. This is the single greatest menu item that one can order in the world! It consists of two eggs (any style), hashbrowns or grits, toast, sausage or bacon and a waffle. The only thing that could make it better, is if it offered bacon and sausage. I order it with bacon and then order a side of sausage, so I win big anyway. I also triple the hashbrowns and add cheese, onions and chili to them. I call my modified combo meal the Rob-Star Breakfast.

Greg orders some sandwich thing, but we can’t all be perfect.

Now, if you’re a drinker, there is no better hangover cure than Waffle House. A bottle of Two Fingers or Gilby’s Gin can’t stop the might of a Waffle House meal at three or four in the morning. You’ll wake up with a stomachache but drop one deuce and it’s gone. It’s not a lingering stomach issue; it’s just cleaning you out. Wipe your ass, look in the mirror and smile because surprise! No hangover!

I have also had many short lived relations with women that either worked at Waffle House or who I drunkenly met at Waffle House. But mostly ones that worked there, if you’re keeping score; I certainly am. In any event, that’s a tale for another blog.

So, in closing, waffles are the best breakfast food ever and breakfast food is better than lunch food and dinner food combined. With that said, waffles are the single greatest food item one could ever ingest. So why wouldn’t you get them at a restaurant named after them? Waffle House kicks Capital Grille in the tits! And IHOP is for lamers. Step up to the plate, be a real American and tear into that sticky flaky fun cake!

So who’s hungry? I need my fix now.

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