*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.
*Written in 2014.
There is an epidemic going on in America. Come to think of it, as far as I know, it could be crossing over our borders and seeping into the rest of the world. An epidemic of monolithic proportions that is rewriting human history and destroying our future.
While people worry about climate change, rising seas, nuclear meltdowns, oil spills, radioactive tsunamis, alien invasion, kaiju attacks, zombies and haunted VHS tapes, there is a much bigger and more sinister threat that must be dealt with. Something that is comprised of pure evil, which needs immediate attention because in all actuality, it is probably already too late to stop it. The threat I am talking about is Axe body spray.
Interestingly, Axe isn’t even made in America. It comes from the British-Dutch company Unilever, who make food, beverages, cleaning agents and other personal care products. In the UK, Axe exists under the brand name of Lynx. In America it is called Axe because it is actually an acronym that means “America X-terminated Exactingly”. The acronym is of course not publicly disclosed and just adds to the mystique of this evil anti-American conspiracy. The thing is, we are America, we are the best and the rest of the world is mad because they want to win their fair share of blue ribbons. Sorry world, America wins. It is also believed that it is a half-British company who manufactures this because they still harbor a lot of animosity and anger after losing the Revolutionary War over two-hundred years ago.
Men, teens and young boys need to stop buying this stuff – especially men. Their ads sell you on the idea that if you drench yourself in this toxic waste, supermodel bitches will chase you down in an attempt to take your seed. Somehow this magic spray has some mystical element that turns women into lust-driven hyenas that will stop at nothing to tie you down and smother you to death with primal sex moves. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I have yet to meet a woman that has turned into a slut zombie by whiffing this stuff. The results I’ve seen have actually been the opposite. I can’t tell you how many sad saps I’ve seen walk into a bar saturated in Axe body spray in an attempt to stir up a maniacal orgy only to have the women flee to the other end of the bar: huddled up and giggling at the poor idiot.
The truth behind this stuff is eerie, as they are convincing dudes to buy it like it’s sexual crack rock when in fact it is a lie created to implement population control. If guys think it works, they put it on. When women flee, men can’t have sex with them and thus population is controlled, as babies can’t be made. It’s a pretty fucked up situation but with America out of the way, the British Empire can move back in and start taxing the crap out of our tea. I’m not completely sure why they’re selling it to their own people though, other than it is usually bought by people on the lower end of the social and economic scales and thus, the Royal Family can flush out all the poor people and have more money to buy jewels and scepters.
Regardless of whether or not you believe in crazy conspiracy theories doesn’t really matter. The proof is in the pudding and the proof is that Axe will do the exact opposite of getting you laid. Also, it is probably made with Smile-X and may turn you into some Jack Nicholson-looking Joker person. Plus the packaging looks like an energy drink; do you want to dump energy drink all over your body?
Man up and buy some goddamned cologne. Even cheap real cologne from CVS is better than this aerosol gamma radiation.