Flair Hair Hats Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2015. And I wish this was a dated article but I still see these things in 2019.

A friend of mine the other night was like, “Dude, I used to love those articles you used to write about stuff being bullshit. That bullshit series was great.” And then I was like, “Fuck yeah it was. I guess I haven’t had an idea for one in a while.” Of course that changed this morning when I saw a poor soul wearing a “flair hair” hat in front of my office.

I’ve hated these fucking hats since the first time I saw one a few years ago. The fact that they exist, let alone that someone would not just buy one but wear one, is beyond fucking baffling to me.

The first time I saw one was in a fast food restaurant and some old dude eating fries was wearing it proudly. He just looked like a total douche, a man beyond a mid-life crisis and trying way too hard to look like some sort of golfer slash Guy Fieri hybrid. I fucking hate Guy Fieri and every other decent human being on this planet does too. He is the epitome of douche and the main reason is because of his stupid ass hair.

What flair hair hats do, is make you take the douchiest part of the douchiest person alive and then wrap it in a traditional golf visor. An important yet functional fashion accessory of the classiest of all sports is crossbred with some uber douche pelt making it an imbecilic, bizarre and cringe worthy abomination. It is a fashion and comedy disaster.

The guys who wear these ass ugly fucktard hats are trying to convey a few things.

First, they want the world to know, “Hey, look at me! I’m the fun guy!” No, motherfucker. You’re not the fun guy and the joke is dumb. Plus, these have been out now for a few years. So if you bought one recently or still wear it, you’re behind the times. What you are really telling the world is, “Look at me! I’m not funny at all and I’m really late to the crappy party full of other crappy assholes!”

In addition to that, they think they’re embracing their baldness and introducing a little humor to the mix. Again, it isn’t funny. Plus, you aren’t embracing your baldness or your age by covering it up and trying to look like a younger, more obnoxious version of yourself. You have gone to a counterproductive extreme and you are wearing a big red flag that tells people you’re an unfunny aging weirdo that can’t just roll through the years with style and grace.

You can’t hide the sad away with a poor attempt at showing how fun and cool you are. Your ideal persona sucks. Embrace who you are and just rock it out.

We’re all getting older everyday and we’re all losing our hair or falling apart in some other way. Captain Picard was bald, chicks also wanted to throw their pussies at him. Besides, wearing these hats to express how cool you are about your baldness is like an obese person wearing a cow print t-shirt to express how cool they are about their fatness.

I’m a complete prick on some days, I can admit that. I’m a complete prick now. However, I’m not as big of a prick as Guy Fieri or anywhere near his level of douchebaggery. You shouldn’t be either. I mean, why would you want to be? Unless you like Guy Fieri? But if that’s the case, you’re a special kind of moron and you probably give people T.G.I. Friday’s coupon books for their birthday.

This is the worst fashion statement and attempt at humor ever devised. If these things continue to exist, modern civilization will be destroyed. We will all fall into ruin – haunted by Guy Fieri demons chuckling loudly, as they force us to eat bottomless portions of bad diner food.

Don’t contribute to the destruction of life as we know it.

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