Retro Relapse: 20 Things Porn Stars Do That I’ve Never Had the Urge to Do

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

People have sex. Some people are uncomfortable talking about it. I’m not sure why, maybe the Jesus is strong in some people.

For me, it is a pretty comfortable subject. I’ve never seen the big deal. It’s just fucking sex. If you aren’t doing it, you want to do it. It is human nature to get off. For sanity’s sake, we need to get off. The more, the better.

Obviously, I maintain some decorum based off of my social audience but once the ball is rolling, it is rolling with the velocity of a pinball chugging Cuban coffee sweetened with cocaine.

Why is sex taboo? I don’t know. But it is probably the same reason Rick Santorum has held public office.

When it comes to sex, not much is off limits for me. But when I watch porn, there are often times where I say to myself, “What possesses them to do that?”

Well, this is a list of those acts. Some I don’t have a problem with if it’s your thing. Some of these I am vehemently opposed to. Regardless of where each item on this list fits on my scale of acceptability, these are things I’ve never had the primal urge to engage in.

1. Hocking a loogie on a vagina.

2. Making out with someone post-beejer, just no.

3. Sex in a moving vehicle. Tried it once, just about snapped my shaft in half on a hard turn.

4. Drinking breast milk.

5. Being the dude in a gang bang that isn’t first. Definitely not being the guy that is 412th.

6. Food involved in sex. Cool-Whip off of a titty doesn’t enhance the titty.. or the Cool-Whip.

7. Glory holes. Wait.. are those whiskers?

8. I shouldn’t have to list anything involving animals but just to be safe, no fucking animals.

9. Golden showers.

10. Creampies.

11. Eye-licking.

12. Anything on or around a toilet. Not to say I haven’t. But never again.

13. Bukake.

14. Anything involving menstruation.

15.  Beejers through a hole cut out of a pizza.

16. Tentacles.

17. Anything involving vomit.

18. Anything involving something going into my urethra.

19. Feet.

20. Anything involving poop.

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