Published: July 18th, 2018
Written by: Magdalene Visaggio
Art by: Jen Vaughn, Stelladia
Haunted Vault Studios, 25 Pages
I have read tens of thousands of comic books in my lifetime. That being said, this is the worst fucking comic book I have ever read.
I have a Comixology subscription and they just started coming out with their own original content. I’ve heard mostly bad things but the app was pushing this title hard so I figured I’d give it a shot.
To start, the art is fucking atrocious. I mean, it’s like an eight year-old without thumbs drew this thing. It’s hard to look at, it’s absolutely boring in every panel and honestly, hasn’t this artist ever picked up How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way? I mean, for fuck’s sake, learn how to give your characters dynamic motion. It’s not a hard concept to understand. But this shit looks like Adventure Time fan art some little kid with crayons scribbled onto a paper table mat at a hole in the wall pizzeria.
Then, as I’m reading the story, my mind was going numb. I thought to myself, “My god, this is someone trying to be like Mags Visaggio but their dialogue is even worse than hers!” Then I went and looked at the credits and it was actually written by Mags Visaggio. So is she getting worse? Or did she only get like $15 to write this and just dialed it in. “Hey, Mags… you wanna write a comic for us?” “Okay… gimme a napkin and a crayon and don’t talk for five minutes!” Five minutes later, “There ya go! Final draft!”
I can’t tell what this comic is even trying to be. Is it a Power Rangers ripoff, a Sailor Moon ripoff, a Rainbow Brite ripoff, a Strawberry Shortcake ripoff or just some weird projection fantasy that no one else can remotely relate to?
This was an awful way to spend ten minutes because it felt like ten hours.
There is only one issue out and I don’t normally review single issues but since I will never pick up another issue of this again, I figured I’d put my thoughts down.
Can you get a refund from free? I feel like I was put through some awful scientific medical trial and am owed money from some shady lab somewhere.
Anyway, I don’t usually post videos with comic book reviews but on the same day that I read this toddler scribbled toilet paper, Nerkish posted his review of it on YouTube. So I figured I’d leave you with that, as he has a nice and eloquent way of expressing his thoughts on terrible, terrible comics. Plus, he’s one of the few people I support on Patreon, as you may notice when the credits roll at the end.
Pairs well with: I don’t know, getting hit in the teeth with a baseball bat from the writer.