Talking Pulp: The Enchantress and Asgardian Boners

*Taken from my personal journal, written in 2013.

So I was debating comic book stuff with a friend of mine yesterday and afterwards, reflecting on the debate, Thor and Asgard kept popping into my thoughts.

Then I started over analyzing the sometimes ally but mostly villainous Enchantress. I always liked her character and style and thought that she was a good balance against the cookie cutter “good vs. evil” formula of Thor vs. Loki.

It got me wondering as to when or if she would be in one of the upcoming Marvel movies or, at the very least, in the new S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show that I never watch. Sorry, I’m not a Joss Whedon fanboy but I can admit that he does well working with complex female characters – except for the Black Widow apparently.

Anyway, I really thought about the Enchantress’ power and it is a bit useless really, all things considered. You see, she has the magical ability to seduce men and in many cases Asgardian “gods”. I’m calling bullshit on that power though. I mean, has it ever been tested, really?

The reason why I must call bullshit is because of how the Enchantress looks, acts and carries herself. She is a tall athletic blonde with large yet perfectly proportioned breasts who dresses like a slut on Halloween: every single day. Her looks are considered to be so naturally stunning and mesmerizing that she makes Victoria’s Secret models look like Janice Dickinson does now. This is why I call bullshit on her power. And even if she does have her “seduction” power, she doesn’t really need it.

I’m a pretty strong willed guy and can see through a woman’s bullshit quite well. Men’s bullshit too, let’s be fair, as gay dudes think I’m some sort of magical bear even though I’m not down for peen vaulting.

So yes, I can see through the games and cock foolery. Maybe not as good as Thor, but I’m still pretty astute. Regardless of that, if the Enchantress straddled me like a stripper looking for a Washington, I’d probably be quite powerless. If she was wearing her spandex emerald catsuit with her tippies falling out, I’d probably be a blob of Silly Putty in her sultry hand.

Respectfully, Thor would probably be right behind me. Loki would be the only one who probably wouldn’t give a shit because he could easily lock himself in his own bedroom, shapeshift into the Enchantress and then flick his shapeshifted Asgardian bean all day. I’m not trying to be lewd, that’s just the facts. I’d probably do it too. So would you.

On a side note, maybe Loki should just walk around looking like the Enchantress thus getting everyone to do his bidding with a lot less effort on his part. He could’ve gotten Odin’s throne, considering he wouldn’t mind letting his dad nibble on his faux lady bits while spanking his bare butt. Granted, I may have crossed a line there but I really wouldn’t put that passed Loki. That dude’s got drive and follow through like no other Asgardian, ever.

Okay, those were some weird tangents.

Anyway, in the end, giving the Enchantress the magical ability to seduce is like giving a combat boot the magical ability to crush a snail.

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