Film Review: Rocket Attack U.S.A. (1958)

Also known as: Five Minutes to Zero (alternate title), Guided Terror (working title)
Release Date: 1958
Directed by: Barry Mahon
Written by: Barry Mahon (unconfirmed/uncredited)
Cast: John McKay, Monica Davis

Exploit Films, 68 Minutes

Review:

“Last month I became the mistress of the Secretary of Defense. When the pig gets drunk, he talks.” – Tannah

This may be the worst film ever featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. It’s that friggin’ bad. I mean, it’s melt your eyeballs out of your head bad. It’s the cinematic equivalent to sticking your head into a rocket booster just before launch.

I don’t know how the release of this movie didn’t get motion pictures banned forever. Luckily no one has seen this other than those who had to sit through it on MST3K.

When it was originally released, I heard that it was used by the American special forces to torture enemies during the Cold War. In fact, I also heard that watching this was such an inhumane practice that it was replaced with waterboarding.

Okay, maybe I am exaggerating just a bit but if I was trying to pry information out of the enemy, you can bet your ass they’d be strapped to a chair in a room full of televisions playing this thing over and over. It’d be like the brainwashing room from Lost but only this would be shown and without commentary from Joel and the ‘Bots.

What’s the film about? I don’t know. It was so boring and dreadful that my mind kept wandering to Fiji. Not the real Fiji but the Fiji in my head. Dave Lister lives there with Godzilla and Dean Martin, it’s a really fun and relaxing place that is my safe space.

I guess this movie is about a rocket attack on the United States. Probably from those Soviets that we were told to fear during the era in which this film was released.

Don’t watch this movie unless you want to torture yourself and literally experience your eyes melting out of your head. You never know though, maybe you’ll reveal your darkest secrets to yourself.

My friend Brad watched this with his imaginary friend Uncle Lou. He told me that Lou blew his brains out and hasn’t been back.

It should be a no brainer that this horrible motion picture must be put through the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results read, “Type 1 Stool: Separate hard lumps, like nuts (hard to pass).”

Rating: 0.75/10
Pairs well with: Armageddon… not the movie but the actual event.

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