Film Review: Ninja Condors (1987)

Also known as: Ninjas, Condors 13 (original title)
Release Date: 1987 (Hong Kong)
Directed by: Kuo-Ren Wu (as James Wu)
Written by: Godfrey Ho (as Benjamin King)
Music by: Sherman Chow
Cast: Alexander Rei Lo, Stuart Hugh, Timothy Johnson

Filmark International Ltd., 89 Minutes

Review:

Ninja Condors is a very shitty movie overall but like other ninja films that had some sort of involvement with Godfrey Ho, when there is action, it sort of makes up for the awful and abnormal shit show that the rest of the picture is.

The story is about this ninja who is in a clan run by a complete f’n mad man. The ninja decides that he wants nothing to do with that psychotic bag of dicks and rises up to reject the clan, thus painting a target on his back. It then becomes open season, as our hero and a buddy he meets, must survive a killer ninja horde and a killer ninja mad man that has a penchant for using chainsaws on pregnant women. For real, that shit happens in this movie.

Ninja Condors is poorly shot, abysmally acted and terribly written. It is a Hong Kong film that was given an atrocious English language dub that just adds to the overall absurdity and lack of quality. But the thing is, I don’t watch ’80s ninja movies for cinematography and a great story acted out by Daniel Day Lewis and Gregory Peck. No… I watch these movies to see fucking ninjas wreck the shit out of everything and if this includes the film itself, so be it!

Ninjas are probably the coolest thing ever created by billions of years of space dust compressing together and forming things. Don Johnson eating a bacon wrapped, bone-in tomahawk ribeye while riding an Elvis impersonating T-Rex, tattooed all over with Ferrari logos, still isn’t as cool as just one ninja from a mediocre ’80s film. And this film has a friggin’ horde of ninjas.

The movie is also full of fight choreography that makes absolutely no sense, defies everything any real scientist has ever known about physics and sometimes seems to be actually being played back in reverse. But ninjas have mystical powers and if I can suspend disbelief when playing Super Mario Bros. 2, then why can’t I just accept what’s happening in this movie?

I know, this movie is a cesspool of a lot of awful filmmaking faux pas but the fights just work for me and sitting through fifteen to twenty minute segments of boring, deplorable filler crap is worth the payoff when the violence gets going.

Still, the filmmakers could have made a better movie and there is no excuse for how bad the non-action segments are. I think I wrote better scripts when I was six and was inspired by Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow from G.I. Joe. Hong Kong really dropped the ball hiring me to write ninja epics back in my prime.

Rating: 4.5/10
Pairs well with: Other Godfrey Ho ninja movies: Ninja Terminator, Ninja the ProtectorNinja Empire, etc.

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