Release Date: February, 1962
Directed by: Clark Paylow
Written by: Lewis Simeon, Jerrold I. Zinnamon
Music by: James Cairncross
Cast: George Mather, Esther Frust, Austin Green
Playstar, 72 Minutes
What a dreadful movie. I mean, this is truly terrible. But then again, it was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000 for a reason, I guess. But shit, every time I think I’ve found the worst film that MST3K could dig up, something else comes along and surprises me with its absolute awfulness.
Ring of Terror features the oldest college students you’ll ever see, anywhere. Even in modern times where people of all ages go back to school. However, these actors are supposed to be hip youngsters and even when they throw down and party, it’s like a lame ass middle aged party that I assume has the type of food your aunts and uncles would bring over for Christmas that no kid would touch.
This thing is a mess and not only that, it’s a friggin’ boring mess. It’s so dull that it couldn’t even slice through melted butter.
The story is about a college guy that has a fear of the dark or the dead or something. Maybe both. Anyway, he is tasked with stealing the ring of a dead person. If he succeeds he can join a fraternity full of boring old people. If he fails, well… he has to live out a boring college existence on his own. The story is narrated by a graveyard keeper looking for his missing cat. When he stumbles upon a specific gravestone, he is reminded of this stupid dumb story. Why he feels the need to share this with anyone, is baffling. I’d rather share anything other than this story: hors d’oeuvres, an old VHS tape of Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts, an empty shoe box, sarcastic praise, an STD… anything.
This movie is literal poop on celluloid.
That being said, Ring of Terror is going into the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results read, “Type 6 Stool: Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool.”