Release Date: July 24th, 1996
Directed by: Raymond Martino
Written by: William Applegate Jr., John Larrabee
Music by: Jim Halfpenny
Cast: Anna Nicole Smith, Richard Steinmetz, Branko Cikatic
PM Entertainment Group, 96 Minutes
“Well, excuse me for still believing in Sunday walks in the park and little babies!” – Carrie Wisk
This is an abysmally bad movie. I mean, absolutely horrible in every way. However, it is one of those rare gems that is so shitty, that you can’t turn away. It is a train wreck of biblical proportions that has to be seen to be believed and ultimately, it is entertaining as hell because of its myriad of flaws.
Anna Nicole Smith, bless her soul, is not an accomplished actress. In fact, she is one of the worst that I have ever seen get her own starring vehicle. However, she was all the rage back in the ’90s because she liked to get naked a lot and she had enormously large breasts that always found a way to fall out of her clothing. She was like Pam Anderson with less acting chops and bobbies that would scream “peekaboo!” more frequently.
For some reason, we are supposed to believe that she is an accomplished helicopter pilot and that she can take on terrorists in a skyscraper like a big titted John McClane. She spends a big portion of the movie getting slapped around and at one point, even gets raped. That scene didn’t even seem to make her mad, as if its just something that happens to her all the time. Yeah, she kills the rapist scumbag but totally missed the opportunity to maim his evil penis or to display some sort of emotional baggage from the incident.
The terrorists aren’t that intimidating though. One guy looks like a cross between Fabio and Simba while the others look like one-off teacher characters from episodes of Saved by the Bell. They also boast a plethora of bad accents and have the sense of a mongoose spazzing out after eating a whole crate of Willy Wonka Fun Dip.
The editing and continuity of the film are a total mess too.
There is a scene where the terrorists blow a chunk out of the side of the skyscraper. Then in every shot of the building after the explosion, the building is unscathed. Anna Nicole’s underwear also changes color throughout the film. In one scene she is wearing white, then later during the rape scene, it is now black. Also, her shirt is practically torn off during the rape scene and then in following scenes, it seems fine. I also have to point out that the main terrorist quotes Shakespeare and credits the line to Henry IV when in fact, it was said by Henry VI. The police helicopter and the charter helicopter are the same vehicle. The same landing pad is reused on different buildings. At one point, towards the end, a hostage is shot and the liquid that spurts out is clear. Man, don’t even get me started on the fact that the guns seem to have infinite rounds. Also, the gun sounds are horribly inaccurate for the models being shot in certain scenes.
There really isn’t anything right in this film and it’s a sloppy mess. But something about this shit sandwich is perfection. It is a perfect storm of flaws on every conceivable level to the point that this is practically a masterpiece of bad filmmaking. The only thing that could have made this bad movie a better experience is if Tommy Wiseau was one of the terrorists.
That being said, this is like The Room of Die Hard ripoffs.
While I enjoy this film for the fact that it is unforgivably atrocious, I still have to run it through the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results read, “Type 5 Stool: Soft blobs with clear-cut edges (passed easily).”