Film Review: The Being (1983)

Also known as: Beauty and the Beast (US alternate title), Mutant Monster (Germany), The Ultimate Terror (Germany)
Release Date: November 4th, 1983
Directed by: Jackie Kong
Written by: Jackie Kong
Music by: Don Preston
Cast: Martin Landau, José Ferrer, Dorothy Malone, Ruth Buzzi, Marianne Gordon, Bill Osco

Cybelle Productions, Best Film & Video Corp., New World Pictures, Aquarius Films, Crest Films, 82 Minutes

Review:

I have no idea what the hell I just watched but the monster was kind of cool.

The Being is a weird and confusing pile of crap. Since it’s crap, I figured that I would run this turd through the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results label categorize this thing as a Type 4 stool, which is defined as “Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft.” Well, I guess that puts this in the middle of the seven types of stool, which doesn’t make it as bad as 1982’s Parasite, a deplorable shitfest.

This movie makes little to no sense. Somehow the mayor owns a potato company and there is this big conspiracy. You later find out that there has been a lot of toxic waste dumped in the area. Next thing you know, this big slimy monster with one eye and sharp teeth shows up to kill everything. What we have here is a lowest common denominator low budget 80s horror flick with one of the strangest stories I’ve ever encountered. Radioactive potatoes turn people into weird cyclops xenomorph killers… or something like that.

I feel bad for Martin Landau. Why did he do this movie? At least he would recover and win an Oscar for playing Bela Lugosi in Tim Burton’s Ed Wood 11 years later.

There isn’t really anything in this film that is worth anyone’s time. While the monster is generally cool looking, it is still a pretty immobile creature and other than having a few neat closeups, he’s pretty unexciting.

Rating: 3/10

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