Film Review: Parasite (1982)

Release Date: March 12th, 1982
Directed by: Charles Band
Written by: Michael Shoob, Alan J. Adler, Frank Levering
Music by: Richard Band
Cast: Demi Moore, Robert Glaudini, Luca Bercovici, Cherie Currie, Freddy Moore, Tom Villard, Vivian Blaine, Rainbeaux Smith

Irwin Yablans Company, Embassy Pictures, Kock International, 85 Minutes

Review:

When the credits started rolling, I saw “Irwin Yablans Company” and instantly knew this would be a big pile of awful crap. You see, they’re the people that gave us that massive donkey turd Laserblast. Having seen that film, which predates this one by four years, I knew that this would have to be another cinematic shitshow. Besides, even if the people at the Irwin Yablans Company somehow multiplied their filmmaking talent by infinity, the number would still be zero because anything times zero will always be zero.

So, as is customary with films this bad, I had to run it through the Cinespiria Shitometer, it comes out as a Type 7 stool, which is defined as “Watery, no solid pieces. ENTIRELY LIQUID.” I swear I’m going to make a Cinespiria Shitometer infographic one day.

The film takes us to the future: 1992, to be exact. In 1992 we don’t have a lot to look forward to. Earth is sort of a wasteland full of gutterpunks and weird sex performers that get off in hardware stores. On the bright side, there are ray guns. That alone makes me excited for whenever 1992 gets here.

But then there is the parasite. It’s this slimy slug thing that’s the size of a fat kid’s thigh. It attaches to people and next thing you know, they have parasites ripping out of their body. There is one cool scene where a parasite bursts out of a dying lady’s face. While the special effects aren’t all that spectacular, there seemed to at least be some effort put into the shot.

Also, this film was made to be seen in 3D. That being said, there are a lot of shots that look bizarre when seeing this in 2D. Lots of creatures and other things jumping at the camera is pretty much all this movie is about.

There is also this evil Agent Smith type guy that drives a black Lamborghini Countach. It doesn’t sound cool like a Lambo though, as they gave it sounds to make it sound like a futuristic car. Who are these people kidding? Any kid from the 80s knows a damn Countach when they see one. It sure as shit wasn’t some future car in the far off year of 1992! Had I seen this movie when I was a kid though, I would’ve probably just geeked out over the car and thought that the movie was actually awesome. Kind of like movies with ninjas. If I saw a ninja or a Countach in a movie, you could bet your ass that I was going to rent it at least another half dozen times from Citeo Video!

Demi Moore is in this movie but she’s not very good in it. I can’t blame her. It’s not like anyone was actually directing the film. But at least she got her shit together and pulled off a solid performance in 1996’s Striptease. To be honest, Burt Reynolds is the one that really carried that film to the top.

Parasite is a shitty movie in every way. There is nothing good about it except for the Lamborghini Countach and even then, they messed up how it’s supposed to sound. I bet the entire budget went to the car rental.

 

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