Release Date: July 14th, 1988
Directed by: Rick Sloane
Written by: Rick Sloane
Music by: Alan DerMarderosian
Cast: Tom Bartlett, Paige Sullivan, Steven Boggs, Kelley Palmer, Billy Frank, Daran Norris
American Cinema Marketing, 92 Minutes
What a pile of shit.
Look, I love bad movies, that much is apparent when you see the kind of crap I have reviewed for Cinespiria. But man, this might really take the cake as the worst thing I have ever seen. Okay, maybe Werewolf or Future War are worse but even then, debating these three films and trying to pick the worst would take lifetimes of debate and I just don’t have time for that. The world has bigger problems that should be tackled. Issues like war, hunger and looking for apocalyptic clues and warnings in the mystery that is Donald Trump’s cranial pelt is a better use of my time.
I can say that Hobgoblins is easily the dumbest film I have ever seen. Truthfully, I feel like a complete asshole even referring to it as a “film”. It is an insult to every film before or after it. Hell, it is an insult to the film on Lindsay Lohan’s teeth. From this point forward, I will only refer to it as a “smear”.
Hobgoblins is a stupid, stupid smear. The smearmakers have no idea on how to make a smear. They should have saved the ninety cents they spent on this smear and put it towards going to smear school.
This smear has no idea how a grenade works, yet it uses dozens of them. The biggest douche in this smear is even set on fire by one of his grenades, yes… set on fire. He then burns for a few minutes, screaming and dancing around a bar he has been blasting with grenades for ten minutes. Oddly, there is no real structural damage. Ultimately, the douche then reappears at the end of this smear and is completely okay other than having some strawberry jelly rubbed onto his bicep.
Then the “hobgoblins” aren’t even really hobgoblins, they are some space alien puppets that arrived to Earth in one of those L’eggs pantyhose eggs. Most of the time, their victims just roll around while holding them, similar to the famous scene featuring Bela Lugosi and the mutant octopus from Ed Wood’s Bride of the Monster.
If you think I am making all of this up, I’m not.
I don’t know how my eyeballs didn’t melt out of my head or how my brain didn’t liquefy while watching this smear. I would highly advise against anyone wasting their time on Hobgoblins. If you’ve ever seen the similar Munchies, this makes that look like a Coppola picture.
If you must watch this smear, one – you must have a death wish, two – please just watch the episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 that riffs it. At least then, it is a bit more tolerable. It may still kill you though.