Film Review: No Holds Barred (1989)

Release Date: June 2nd, 1989
Directed by: Thomas J. Wright
Written by: Dennis Hackin
Music by: Jim Johnston
Cast: Hulk Hogan, Kurt Fuller, Joan Severance, Tiny Lister, David Paymer, Jesse Ventura, Gene Okerlund, Howard Finkel, Stan Hansen

Shane Distribution Company, New Line Cinema, 93 Minutes

noholdsbarred6pcReview:

No Holds Barred is an amazing movie! Okay, that may be an overstatement and yes, I am aware that it was critically panned and that it has been the butt of jokes for nearly three decades but who gives a shit what those snobbish film nerds and Hulkster haters out there have to say?

This movie was a vehicle to launch Hulk Hogan’s film career. Let’s be honest, Hogan sucks as an actor and all of his films after this one are abominations and blights on the film industry. No Holds Barred however, had some very enjoyable bits and had some redeeming qualities that set it apart and have made it an entertaining movie.

The acting was awful, the cinematography was b-movie 80s schlock, the plot was worse than the acting and the characters were beyond goofy and bizarre. But those are the things that made it great. Because while those elements can easily create a stomach-churning viewing experience, there are those films that somehow have the right balance and formula that magically transform those bad elements into something exceptional.

No Holds Barred is a beautiful smorgasbord of bad 80s filmmaking clichés. It is quite literally a perfect storm.

As a kid, I didn’t get to see the film until it was out for 6 months. Two days after Christmas in 1989, the World Wrestling Federation held a pay-per-view event called No Holds Barred: The Movie, The Match. That event showcased the film in its entirety and was then followed by a tornado tag team cage match pitting Hulk Hogan and his partner Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake against “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Hogan’s opponent in the film, Zeus. Zeus was played by now semi-famous actor Tommy “Tiny” Lister, Jr. Lister has since gone on to star in a ton of films and television shows, most notably Friday and The Fifth Element.

Having just experienced this film for the first time in years, I was still entertained and loved it. It brought me back to a time when professional wrestling still felt magical, Hulk Hogan was a god and Joan Severance replaced Phoebe Cates as the apple of my eye.

Sure, this may not have the same effect on others; I am probably falling victim to nostalgia but I don’t care. This film is in a rare breed considering that it is still completely stupid yet completely awesome. If you don’t believe me, watch the clip below.

Rating: 6.5/10

And now, the trailer!

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