Retro Relapse: Diego Armando Maradona: Maestro of Fútbol, Hater of America!

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Diego Armando Maradona is a celebrity in the sports world.
Being one of the greatest soccer (or fútbol) players ever, Maradona
has been an ambassador of the FIFA World Cup for decades. Since
winning the World Cup tournament with the Argentine national
team in 1986, Maradona has been a highly regarded and highly
sought after persona in the world of soccer. He became the face of
the sport and a hero to many people all around the world. Most
recently, he coached the Argentine team in the 2010 World Cup.
Never camera shy, Maradona was front and center from day one,
giving the people what they love, himself. American fans ate it up.
Everyone loves Maradona! Go Diego Go! Oddly enough,
unbeknownst to most Americans, Maradona does not love them
back. No Diego No!

In August of 2007, Diego Maradona said, “I hate everything
that comes from the United States. I hate it with all my strength.”
Maradona said this on Hugo Chávez’s weekly television show. Yes,
THAT Hugo Chávez. Oddly, when the American commentators
were tooting Argentina’s horn and especially the horn of Maradona
during the 2010 World Cup this past month, that fact was
seemingly omitted and ignored. I guess that they didn’t want to
delve into politics while deifying the incredibly charismatic and
seemingly lovable King of International Soccer. Then again, ESPN
and ABC sportscasters are probably just as clueless about
Maradona’s Amerihate as the general public seems to be. However,
being the former network of communist bottom-feeding scumbag
dickface Keith Olbermann, ESPN probably supports the ideals
expressed by Maradona.

While receiving medical treatment in Cuba, Diego
Maradona became friends with Fidel Castro. In an almost
homoerotic gesture, to show his appreciation and support of Castro
and Cuba, Maradona got a fancy portrait of Fidel Castro’s face
tattooed on his left leg. Sounds pretty gay to me dude but that was
not the end of Diego’s sexy homoerotic communist murderer bodymodification.
He also got the cold-blooded reptilian murderer and
ultimate douchesack Che Guevara tattooed on his right arm. Rumor
has it that Maradona’s next tattoo is going to be Kim Jong-Il’s little
cock tattooed inside his mouth. Maradona loves communism and
Cuba’s evil regime so much so that he dedicated his autobiography
‘El Diego’ “To Fidel Castro and, through him, all the Cuban
people.”

Diego Maradona is a big supporter of Hugo Chávez. In
2005, Maradona visited Venezuela in an effort to meet with the man
he idolized. After they met (according to Wikipedia and backed up
by other research), Maradona said that he had gone to Venezuela
with the aim of meeting a “great man” (“un grande” in Spanish) but
he had met instead, a gigantic man (“un gigante” in Spanish,
meaning he was more than great). He was quoted as saying, “I
believe in Chávez, I am Chavista. Everything Fidel does, everything
Chávez does, for me is the best.” It’s only a matter of time before
Maradona ends up with a tattoo of Chávez on his testicles.

Granted, I’ve never been a supporter of Bush II: The Wrath
of Dubya but I would never call the man “human garbage”. Well,
that is exactly what everyone’s soccer hero Maradona called him at
the 2005 Summit of the Americas in Mar del Plata, Argentina. See,
Diego was protesting Dubya’s presence in Argentina. He wore a tshirt
that said, “STOP BUSH” and spat his ridiculous message into
every media outlet available. A self-proclaimed “hater of
imperialism”, Maradona wanted to spread his message about the
evils of America to a massive audience and he did at every
opportunity.

In December of 2007, Maradona announced his support for
the people of Iran. Maradona autographed a shirt and wrote his
support on it. The shirt is to be displayed in the Iranian Ministry of
Foreign Affairs’ museum. Apparently it will be on exhibit soon,
located between the mummified head of Mohammad Mosaddegh
and the foreskin of Ruhollah Khomeini’s pet capybara. Anyway,
Maradona must be proud of this awesome accolade. When going
home a loser after getting his nutsack handed back to him by
Germany in the World Cup, Maradona should have thought of his
signed shirt in the Iranian museum and known that he is a winner
for life!

When it comes down to it, Maradona is an asshole and he
hates you. I guess though, if you are one of those Che shirt-wearing
shitcocks that pollutes the collegiate halls of America, than
Maradona must be a hero for you. I guess it is easy to be an
American hating assclown that spits at imperialism and shits on
capitalism all while spreading the message of the extreme left when
you owe the Italian government 37 million euros in taxes and have
only paid them 42,000 of that debt. How about you pay your debts
asshole before you start preaching about communism, a system
with an economic model for wealth redistribution and forced
“equality”. Maybe you should give up some of those nice suits and
fancy watches because in your ideal government, you’re just an
imperialistic/capitalistic fucktard. Look in the mirror Maradona; the
one you hate most will be looking back at you. Maybe homeboy
would have a clearer view of how things really work if he wasn’t too
busy getting kicked out of the World Cup for drug abuse.

I hate shitting on pop culture royalty (no I don’t) but after
witnessing the uninformed public’s idol worship of Diego
Maradona; I felt the need to expose who the guy really is and how
he really feels about America. Frankly, he’s a fuckwad, a hypocrite
and a communist dipshit. I will laugh in four years when he gets
castrated in the World Cup again.